'I shared my husband with 12 other wives'

You Magazine - UK
December 21, 2007

By CAROLYN JESSOP

Brought up in a closed sect that believes in polygamy as the key to paradise, Carolyn Jessop endured an arranged marriage to a 50-year-old man and had eight children before she found the courage to flee, taking her family with her

The moment had come. I had been watching and waiting for months. Now the time was right and I could not afford to fail.

The two things that had to happen before I could escape were in place: my husband had gone away on a business trip and my eight children were all at home. The choice was freedom or a life of fear.

I called my brother Arthur. 'If I do it tonight, will you help me?'

'Carolyn,' he said, 'I'll do everything I can, but even if I leave right now, the soonest I can be there is five in the morning.' He lived 300 miles away and would have to drive through the night.

'Will you do it?' I tried not to sound as desperate as I felt.

'I'll be there,' he said.

I came from a family of polygamists. We belonged to a sect known as the Church of the Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints (FLDS). Ten thousand of us lived in a community along the Utah-Arizona border. Polygamy defined us and was the reason we split from the mainstream Mormon church.

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Carolyn endured an arranged marriage to a 50-year-old man and had eight children before she found the courage to flee

At 18, I had been coerced into an arranged marriage with a 50-year-old man I barely knew. I became the fourth of Merril Jessop's eventual 13 wives and bore him eight children in 15 years.

My family had raised me to believe in the beauty of polygamy – that it was a natural lifestyle and also a privileged one because it meant living a higher law of God, which always brought more happiness. I grew up believing the myth; my life had proved it a lie.

My brother Arthur had fled four years earlier to marry the one woman he loved. Now I was desperate to escape, too. But first I needed to figure out what to tell my children. They ranged in age from 18 months to 15 years.

The older ones would never leave if they knew we were fleeing the community – they were terrified of the outside world.

In the FLDS, we were taught that everyone on the outside was evil and that only those who'd proved their worth would be preserved in the celestial kingdom. I too had once believed I was among God's elite.

My grandmother had explained to me that plural marriage was sacred and that, as the sixth generation in her polygamist bloodline, I was FLDS royalty.

According to the sect's doctrine, a man must have multiple wives if he wants to become a god in heaven and end up with his own planet. And if I lived by the rules, I could become a goddess.

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Merril and his first six wives, from left, Cathleen, Ruth, Faunita, Tammy, Barbara and Carolyn

Most men waited between ten and 15 years before taking on a new wife, and those with the most wives had the most power.

My father had one wife until I was ten. I remember the day my sister Linda told me he had been assigned to marry Rosie, our cousin and favourite babysitter. We were surprised but happy, although Mama seemed subdued.

Rosie became pregnant shortly after the wedding but my mother's sixth child, a boy, was born a few months before Rosie's daughter. The dynamic in our family shifted. The two babies were compared to each other all the time and my mother had to compete for Dad's attention.

Rosie was pretty and popular and earned more money because she had a nursing degree. I saw what a contrast she was to the FLDS women who worked in the community sewing plant. I vowed then that I was never going to end up behind one of those sewing machines. I was going to get an education like Rosie's.

By the time I was 18, my dream was to become a paediatrician. My father said he would speak to our prophet Leroy Johnson.

'Uncle Roy' had led our community since 1954. His decision, passed on to my father, was that I could become a teacher. My heart sank. But it got worse.

'Uncle Roy says that before you go to college, you should marry Merril Jessop.' I knew that name. I'd gone to school with his daughters, and was now going to be one of their mothers.

I looked at my father in horror, but he told me sternly, 'It's critical that you accept. This is a tremendous blessing.'

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Carolyn (back row, third from right) with her father and his two wives: Rosie on his left and Nurylon, Carolyn's mother, on his right

It was only later that I learned that my father, who ran his own real estate business, had threatened to sue Merril over a business deal and Merril, owner of a large construction company, stood to lose millions of dollars.

His pitch to Uncle Roy had been that if he married one of my father's daughters, he'd be family and the lawsuit would be dropped.

Our wedding took place two days later in the prophet's office. Merril took my hand. It was the first time he had ever touched me. We sealed our wedding vows with a kiss and Uncle Roy instructed us in the importance of replenishing the earth with children as a way of fulfilling our covenant with God.

Later, in a motel room, Merril turned off the lights and got into bed with me. I was paralysed. We didn't even know each other. There was no way I was going to consummate the marriage. But I didn't have the choice.

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With brother Arthur, aged four. Years later he was to help her escape her marriage

Merril's first two marriages, to Faunita and Ruth, were disasters, but he was captivated by his third wife Barbara, Ruth's half-sister.

He and Barbara had a perverse chemistry. Both loved power and domination and Barbara's tyranny had ruled the family for 14 years. The wives, and all their children – each had four or five – lived with Merril.

To begin with, I was allowed to stay at college during the week to do my teacher training, but at weekends, I joined a household where tensions ran high. Within months, Merril had taken on two more wives, Cathleen and Tammy. Life was complicated and strange.

To protect myself, I had to remain of value. Sex is the only currency – every polygamist wife knows that. A woman who possesses high sexual status with her husband has more power than his other wives.

She also has more children, and children are an insurance policy. Even if her husband takes a new and younger wife, a woman who produces a bevy of beautiful babies will earn respect.

Eleven months after my wedding, I became pregnant.

I was ill for nine months with morning sickness. But within the FLDS, any emotional or physical problems were seen as the direct result of sin.

Arthur was born on 20 December, 1987, after six hours of labour, which impressed the other wives. I loved him the moment I saw him.

He gave my life a purpose. My future was important because he was now part of it. When he was seven months old, Merril put pressure on me to get pregnant again. I felt sickened because I was still so exhausted. But I knew most of Merril's wives became pregnant three months after giving birth.

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Carolyn is relishing her freedom with new partner Brian, pictured with six of her children

In FLDS culture, a man is supposed to treat each of his wives equally. One of the reasons Merril tried to keep us all pregnant was that it created the illusion that he was having a relationship with each of us.

Merril was a polygamist in body but a monogamist in soul. He enjoyed the power polygamy gave him, but Barbara was the only one he loved.

As strange as it might sound, I adapted to my bizarre environment. By the time I was 25, my world revolved around children: the second-graders I taught at one of the community schools and my own four at home – Arthur, Betty, LuAnne and Patrick.

I was feeling more grounded than I had in years, but the reality was that I was walking a tightrope.

Barbara felt that I was the only one of Merril's wives who had never completely bowed to her authority, which was true. In late 1993 she and Merril tried to make me surrender to her one-woman rule. Their weapon was money.

I was still teaching and handing over my entire salary, which, after taxes, was about $500 every two weeks. In the past this had not been a problem as I could ask for anything I needed. Now Merril seemed to think that if he denied basic necessities for me and my children, I'd capitulate.

Merril told me he was having financial problems. I believed him at first until I told him I needed $5 to buy Arthur a pair of shoes.

He refused. 'Surely there must be money for shoes for your son?' I said. His face turned crimson. 'There is money for those who do the things I want.'

I knew he held all the cards. But I determined to never again ask him for a dime. Quietly I devised a survival strategy.

I began selling cosmetics. There were months when I sold $5,000-worth in a community where make-up was forbidden. There was so much rivalry among wives that when one went on a trip with the husband, the others would blow a few hundred bucks on cosmetics.

Merril knew about my venture but had no idea how successful I was. It was one of the most empowering experiences I'd ever had. By hiding money, I went against the teachings of the prophet for the first time. I felt no guilt, no shame. This was the tentative beginning of mentally breaking free from my 'religion'.

By 1996, life was changing, and not in good ways. Uncle Roy had died and a new prophet, Rulon Jeffs, had succeeded him.

'Uncle Rulon' and his son Warren were exerting more control on the community. We were prohibited from going to the cinema. Television and the internet were off-limits, except for business purposes.

Even our clothes changed. Long underwear, which had been optional, became mandatory. Large prints and plaids for outerwear were banned.

One Sunday in church, Warren announced that it was no longer appropriate to wear red because it was the colour reserved for our Saviour. That evening I watched the sunset – a blaze of orange and red. If God wanted red preserved for Jesus Christ alone, why did he spread it across the sky?

In May 1999, I gave birth to Harrison – my seventh, and Merril's 53rd, child. A year later, Harrison was diagnosed with spinal cancer. Surgery removed his tumour but left him severely disabled with nerve damage.

I was exhausted and depleted by caring for him, but I found myself pregnant yet again. Bryson, my eighth and last child, was born into a world I was determined to escape.

Harrison may have been profoundly handicapped, but he helped save us. Merril thought I would never be able to flee as long as Harrison needed constant care. But I had been hoarding his drugs for five months. I worried about taking him off the oxygen he needed to sleep, but it was a risk I had to take.

So, that fateful morning, Tuesday 22 April 2003, I woke my children at 4am and told them Harrison was sick and needed to go to the doctor. It was a false, but plausible, story.

The older ones didn't want to come, but I insisted. My brother met me at a convenience store three miles out of town and we got into his trailer. Five hours later we arrived in Salt Lake City and went into hiding.

For the first time in 35 years, I was free. But within hours, Merril was hunting me down like prey. He eventually fought me for custody, his lawyer presenting him as the good, steady all-American dad, caring for all his children. But Merril cared only about making an example of me.

My turning point came when Utah's attorney general Mark Shurtleff agreed to support my case. State officials had always warned him that if he went after polygamists, it would cost him his career.

But after listening to my story, he said there was no turning back. A year after my escape, I became the first woman to flee the FLDS and win custody of all her children. It was a proud day.

In the time it took to divorce him, Merril married seven new wives – to prove that he could still have any woman he wanted. He now has more than 100 children, including many stepchildren.

Seven of my children are thriving. Harrison is on the verge of walking. But FLDS brainwashing runs deep and for my eldest daughter, Betty, the adjustment has been too great.

This year, two days after her 18th birthday, she left us to return to the cult. She promised to call, but none of us has been able to contact her since her departure. Her decision breaks my heart. I have great fears about her living in a culture of abuse and degradation, but she knows I will always be here for her.

The rest of us are living what probably seem to be ordinary lives. But my new life will never be ordinary to me.

Three years ago, having decided there was no way I could support my family on a teacher's salary, I enrolled on an accountancy course.

My teacher was Brian, a man who has become a steadfast and joyful presence in my life. I had never before been loved by a man. With him I have experienced a kind of intimacy and tenderness I might never have otherwise known.

He has taught me how to dance and introduced me to the world beyond polygamy. Freedom is extraordinary, and love a miracle.

Adapted from Escape by Carolyn Jessop, published on 3 January (Penguin, £6.99).

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